A chapel address presented
Prayer: Creator God—show us what you had in mind when you created us male and female and declared this to be very good. Amen.
The psalmist declares that “all your works are good!”, but sometimes we have to pause and wonder just what the Creator had in mind. Men, and particularly, male sexuality, have taken kind of a beating lately. So I don’t know. So if I were to say “let’s thank God for God’s wonderful creation!”, I would expect to hear some hearty “amens”. Likewise if I said “Let’s thank God for women! Let’s thank God for men! “ But if I were to say, “Let’s hear it for male sexuality!” Ummm…the response might not be so clear.
So part of what I want to do today is serve as an advocate for men and for God’s gift of male sexuality. The other part of what I want to do is challenge men to be responsible stewards of the powerful gift of their sexuality. God calls us to use all of His gifts in a way that enriches and blesses others.
Like I said, men have taken a beating. One example; I have heard it said, and maybe some of you have said, or thought—that men are only interested in one thing. What an unfair, degrading, one-dimensional view of men! And it’s not true that men are interested in only one thing—there’s sports!
There is throughout the Christian tradition a tendency to overcast sex with guilt and shame. Men with consciences have been burdened by a sense that their keen and powerful attraction to things sexual was sinful and disgusting; was somehow an offense against God.
More recently feminist political perspectives have said the problem isn’t sex, its power. A whole spectrum of troubling male behavior from lookism, to pornography, to rape has been explained by the catch phrase, “its not about sex, its about power”. That is these behaviors are part of a male conspiracy to degrade and intimidate women. Sensitivity to the power implications of sexual behavior is important, but at times I have wanted to ask feminist interpreters, “this statement, ‘its not about sex, its about power’, this is based on how many years of experience you’ve had living in a male body?” Men need to do what feminism has done for women—we need to take responsibility for interpreting our own gender experience. Yes, it may be about power, but an awful lot of the time, its about sex!
Both men and women are created as sexual beings. Sexuality is a powerful energy that is present wherever men and women interact. But it is clear that male and female sexualities are fundamentally different. Generalizations are dangerous, but…male sexuality is more immediate and direct—more focused on the act—more easily awakened by simple and visual input—or in fact—by nothing at all! For a variety of cultural and biological reasons, males find it easier to isolate the physical side of sex from its relational and spiritual dimensions. It’s harder for women to separate sex as a physical act from a much larger relational reality. This doesn’t make women better! (yeah I was afraid you wouldn’t believe that either)
I have this theory—which I should probably keep to myself—that the male homo sapien is the only species in nature whose sexuality is inherently conflicted. Biologically men are wired for reproduction, even for promiscuity. Nonetheless, we are called to live in covenants with other people and with God in a way that brings our sexuality into balance. We are called to honor God and honor women with our bodies.
For many men, men who care, finding the balance in their sexual lives, is the great spiritual struggle of their life. We as fellow believers—as men and women who care about each other—need to care about that struggle, honor that struggle, and encourage and assist each other. There are a host of self-destructive and other destructive behaviors present in male sexuality if it is not brought into balance; if it is not integrated into covenants and commitments we make with God and with each other.
I like to picture three locomotives—three powerful engines that drive us. One I would label emotional or relational needs. Men have a need for relational connections. The second I would label spiritual needs. We have a need for a relationship with God. The third I would label sexual desire. But so many men are unaware of, and so not consciously seeking to meet their emotional and spiritual needs, so all of that untapped energy gets channeled through their sense of sexual neediness. So that part of their lives seems huge and out of control. It comes to dominate life. But finally for all the obsession with sex, it never satisfies. Sex becomes an idol. Men fall prey to the notion that if only this need were fully met, life would be great! Then our sexuality gets out of balance.
Another important note—when men have been psychically wounded through sexual or emotional abuse, or through being deprived of emotional nurture, it tends to come out in obsessive and destructive sexual behavior. Sexual acting out becomes an easy form of self-medication, of easing pain. The medication can then become addictive. This kind of addiction cannot be overcome by will power, or by shaming it into submission—it can only be overcome by healing the wounds in which it has taken root. Some of you know my personal story. I almost destroyed my life, and created a lot of grief for my family and friends because of hidden compulsive sexual behaviors. Men, if there is behavior in your life that is too shameful or hidden to talk about with others, get help with it now. There is hope—and the earlier you act the easier the changes will be, and the less grief you will bring to yourself and others.
I want to suggest some concrete steps to help men bring their life into balance:
1. Make no mistake, we are in a first class spiritual battle. Our culture’s sex saturated media—its persistent claim that casual, uncommitted sex is, well, just what people do, is a destructive spiritual lie. Commit yourself to unmasking this spiritual lie. Commit yourself to a real act of nonconformity. Commit yourself to the idea that sexual relationships belong only within a life-long covenant relationship. Sexual promiscuity, is in fact, the intimate, powerful cutting edge of a larger ideology…consumer capitalism. This ideology states that the goal of life is to consume all you can. This perception creates a sense of entitlement , even a sense of panic…I’m missing out on all the fun! Name and refute that lie.
2. Form deep, supportive and completely honest male relationships. Some men mistakenly believe that nurture and understanding can only come from women. Some men feel the only relationships that matter are those with some sexual interest. Share with a small group of committed, trusted males the struggles of your own sexuality.
3. Make commitments, draw boundaries, and covenant with your closest friends to keep them. Make covenants involving dating, pornography, and even lust. Particularly when you enter into a dating relationship, work together on making covenants and commitments. There is this strange division of labor between the sexes that probably goes back to the dawn of time—a division of labor in which it’s the male’s job to push the limits and the females job to define and enforce the limits. Men and women who are forming a special relationship should take mutual responsibility to define and keep their personal commitments and boundaries. There is in some religiously conservative cultures, a tendency to blame women for this whole situation. If women were not such a temptation men would behave themselves. Men are men, so it is women who are responsible to not provoke male lust. No, men need to take responsibility for their own sexuality. We are not helpless victims of our biology, but responsible agents who take initiative in making and keeping our own commitments.
4. Covenant to honor God and honor the women you relate to with your bodies. Commit yourself to knowing and honoring the person who inhabits that fascinating body. It’s a fact. Many men find the female body to be the most fascinating, beautiful thing in all of God’s good creation. It takes maturity, and it takes work to learn that the person in that body is—well—a person, and as a person has a value and interest that transcends her physical attractiveness. To honor a woman means not putting her in a position where she feels uneasy, or used.
5. Unpack the whole range of intimate needs that drive you. To go back to my three locomotives—learn to be aware of and take care of the emotional and spiritual needs that are a part of you. When this spiritual work is being addressed it will be much easier to bring sexuality into balance with the rest of life.
6. Don’t beat yourself up for being what you are. Shame and guilt about your sexuality really can’t produce creative change. Honor the God who created you by accepting and honoring your sexuality.
The organizers of this event asked me to speak a few words to women. Up to this point I can could claim to have some expert knowledge, from here on out, well….
To the women here:
A little help? Sympathy? I didn’t think so.
Let me turn the tables for a while…this is really mean…but what is about some of you women and chocolate? I mean, I enjoy chocolate, I’m not a prude…but why is it some women who are generally self-controlled can’t be left alone with a bag of chocolate? Food represents for women the kind of deep comfort and security that sex represents for men. Women who are deeply wounded in spirit, sometimes express that in an unhealthy relationship with food. I don’t mean to trivialize the issue…your out of control chocolate habit isn’t going to degrade and harm other people. But I am asking you to try to understand and honor the sexual struggles of men.
If a man takes sexual initiatives that violate your boundaries, don’t do the “if I ignore this it probably means is isn’t happening” line. Use those magic words—words that take the wind out of any mans sails—“We need to talk”. By that simple act you reclaim your power in the relationship. And don’t play the “if I don’t go along with he’ll lose interest” game. Develop a deep sense of your own worth and value as a child of God. This more than anything else will empower you to not allow yourself to simply let the guy set the terms of the relationship.
I still keep hoping that we can declare peace in the war of the genders. I invite all of you, men and women, to honor and accept God’s gift of sexuality, and to share together in the work of encouraging men to bring their sexuality into the kind of balance that honors God.